I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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