Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
