It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
