Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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