I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
