I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
