I met the friendliest cop last night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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