I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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