just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So here I am, sexting at work.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
