You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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