About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
