we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
