I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
