I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
