Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
