she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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