The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
A+ Viking dick
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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