Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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