Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
