how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
When are your genitals available?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
