Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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