You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
