I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
