am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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