Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
