I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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