Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
