i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Houston, we have a blender
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
