dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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