I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
