Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
