11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
