Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
