Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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