Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
