You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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