my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
