i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
