dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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