i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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