I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
