i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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