fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
