"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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