I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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