Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
