Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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