whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
