I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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