she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
